Advice for Bibliomaniacs

I am what’s known as a bibliomaniac, the definition of which is ‘someone with a lunatic’s passion for collecting books’ according to ‘Forgotten English’ by Jeffrey Kacirk (ISBN 0-688-16636-9, for those of you that thrive on such information). I like nothing more than to hunt in charity shops (or ‘chazzas’ as I like to call them) hoping that I’ll find a book that I’ve wanted for ages at a bargain price, and then get home to find that it’s signed by the author. Although this can be very rewarding and I would highly recommend it as a hobby, there are a few important things to bear in mind:

THE SMELL
There are 2 main smells that you will come across in chazzas; the first is a heady combo of wet-dog-stale-sweat-old-lady-perfume-urine. The best way to deal with this is to have a handkerchief in your pocket, sprinkled with you favourite perfume, that you can subtly bring to your nostrils from time to time. The other smell you may encounter is a rather too liberal use of floral air freshener (presumably the result of enlightened volunteers making an effort to cover up smell number 1). There is no real way to overcome this except to take deep breaths before entering the shop.

BROWSING AND BOOK SELECTION
Try and observe correct browsing etiquette at all times. There is nothing more irritating than a novice book-buyer standing right in front of the shelves whilst thumbing through a tome, thus impairing other customers’ views of the selection on offer. If you wish to examine a book at length, step aside to allow others to continue browsing.

If you’re pressed for time you may not be able to scour the entire collection. In this case, it is advisable to skip out the rotating stands (similar to those used to display postcards) as these are normally filled with Mills and Boon and other romance novels. (Of course, if you are collecting romance novels, then you should head there first). If in a hurry you could also leave out the basket of random books that some chazzas irritatingly have stashed in a corner (usually in the ‘ornaments and bric-a-brac’ section). It is impossible to root through this without making a complete mess and causing a granny to trip over you on her way to the ornaments. These carelessly displayed books are evidence of pure laziness on the part of the staff, who seem to think that they can placate you by putting a sign up saying ‘10p’ a book. 98% of the time the books in these baskets are rubbish.

Another top tip is - don’t buy hardbacks. You won’t be able to carry as many and they’re more bulky on the shelves at home which means - horror of horrors - LESS ROOM FOR BOOKS! They also make reading in bed that little bit more awkward unless you’ve got really strong thumbs.

Sometimes you will find that there is another bibliomaniac in the area who is also scouring all the chazzas just ahead of you. The best thing to do if this is the case is to try and head them off with false information. You could perhaps remark casually to one of the other customers that there a fine second hand bookshop has just opened on Harper Street (when you know full-well that it’s a 30 min walk away and only has a laundrette, 2 florists and a pet shop).

PAYING FOR YOUR BOOKS
It’s advisable not to try and pay with a £20 note as chazzas never have enough change in the tills (or the cashier will painstakingly count out £18.75 in coppers).

Many chazza shop volunteers find it difficult to work the tills and will invariably have to call Maureen and Doris from the back of the shop to help. Maureen and Doris won’t know what to do either, but usually a bit of jabbing at miscellaneous keys will cause the till drawer to open. Be prepared to be patient as this can take a while.

If the shop isn’t busy, sometimes the cashier will comment on your book selection, so be prepared for this. If you’re buying anything embarrassing or risqué - such as ‘The Joy of Sex’ or ‘Genital Warts: Know The Facts’ - you might need to have an emergency plan up your sleeve. You could pretend that you don’t understand English, although they might then wonder why you’re buying books you can’t read and might think you just want to look at the pictures, which could be worse. A better idea is to create a distraction such as shouting “Is that someone getting mugged on the street?” or “I think Barry Manilow just walked past.” Then they’ll probably think you’re a bit odd, but hopefully it will have taken their mind of your dodgy books.

Happy book hunting!

Have you noticed? (Part 3)

I was at the swimming pool yesterday and it occurred to me that you never see or hear of people using talcum powder these days. Why is that, I wonder? Perhaps people are fed up of the risk involved in carrying talc on the streets after dark, or of the unneccesary delays at customs when trying to import talc from abroad.